Sunday, April 30, 2017

Body Reclamation

For this evening and tomorrow: Bonne Beltaine & Armindeni Fericit! Venus is finally re-entering Aries for Beltane, Thank Heavens lol This weekend I've been assessing my resources for body reclamation. Here at the new home there is a nice little gym and a lovely outdoor pool for residents to use, so I shall. I have downloaded Pedometer onto my phone so I can start keeping track of my walking progress. In my new neighborhood there are plenty of safe pretty miles to walk, plus I should be able to get to and from my beloved Uptown New Orleans on my own as time goes on, as well as hitching a ride with my Daughter to City Park when available (like I got to enjoy yesterday morning). I love being physically active to whatever extent I can be, and look forward to beginning my body reclamation tomorrow.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Basic Wilderness Survival Skills

Today I've been revisiting some of my old notes on Basic Wilderness Survival Skills of which I've now uploaded 10 pages worth in .pdf format. To read, Click Here.

I'm feeling the DeBoré oak this morning ...

I'm feeling the DeBoré oak this morning ...


Peace

This morning I have been able to finish severing ties. I checked and he had already unblocked me, of course, so I was able to block him myself here on FB. Most importantly I figured out how to block him completely on my phone! Yesterday I got rid of all of our photos and the little items he'd given me, which I didn't do last time. I have already gone though all the hurt and regret and back and forth part of being heartbroken over him during the year and a half I have devoted to him. I have been in a state of mourning over perpetually losing him through all of that. Now that I know he has continued lying non-stop to himself, me, and everyone else the entire time, I have let go of living his lie, and I am now no longer grieving for him because of that. I even feel like I can stop grieving for myself now. I don't feel like I need to bury myself alive anymore or even keep myself isolated. I truly loved the person he pretended to be with me when he was at his best, but that person has never been real by his own choice, not because of me or anyone else. All that time and energy and passion I've been pouring into that relationship to no one's benefit is now free to nurture my love of Nature, my health, and eventually hopefully connecting with others who I can actually enjoy genuinely mutual appreciation with. I'm gonna be ok.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

The Final Let Go

As a part of my own clean out, heal up, and grow forward process, I had to let go of Earl today. After a year and a half I finally had it out with him one last time this morning. We broke up one year ago and never should have gotten back together. Today he defaulted to his usual accusations of me trying to control him, etc. when I was trying to just get him to be honest with himself about what he really wants in life regardless of me or anyone else, and then actually start making choices and taking action accordingly so he can stop being as miserable as he usually claims to be. He was so angry at me for encouraging him to really LIVE that he threw our lunch into the bushes rather than let it be eaten so he could hurry up and dump me near my part of town. Unfortunately he has chosen to continue to lie to everyone all the time about pretty much everything, especially himself, and there is nothing I can do. He has blocked me for the time being but he always makes fake profiles to stalk people with so I'll just continue blocking any sign of him that crops up. Because of the Earl, Gary, and Paul related Legion dramas that never cease, I have to block Paul too. I am deeply grateful for and apologetic to those of you who have been supportive toward me as I have tried to be there for him in every way imaginable. I have finally learned my lesson. I am NOT interested in meeting anyone else for any kind of dating or relationship or anything. I need to get back in shape and work toward my goals. I'm in the worst shape I've ever been in right now because of the combination of being in a cyclically abusive relationship for a year and a half while dealing with medical issues that I'm getting no professional support for. I've lost SO MUCH by not being enough for Earl. It's time I just start being enough for me so that my life finally can go on. I am very sad right now, but in contrast to last year, I know now that his problems are NOT my fault no matter how much he accuses me and blames me. I KNOW that I can live better than this, and just because he doesn't love me as a friend or a mistress or anything else, doesn't mean that I am unlovable. This time I know I'm gonna be ok and that's how I know I've finally let go. So I'm gonna go cry and have a hard cider and think about all the things I can still look forward to now that I've survived enough BS to finally truly love myself. Cheers.

Appalachian Aspirations

Everyone knows I Love Nature, and most know I've been drawn to the Appalachians for quite some time. For much of my spare time yesterday I was suddenly and very intensely revisiting my dream of hiking through bits of the Appalachians. I can still walk, and with some regained fitness through regular training, I should still be able to walk A LOT. An Appalachian trip wouldn't happen soon for me, but it very well could happen in a few years, giving me time to continue working as effectively as possible with my medical issues and maintaining my best level of fitness accordingly. I am especially drawn to the Smoky Mountains in the South, as well as the Green Mountains and White Mountains in the North. Having this hope of hiking in parts of the Appalachians gives me not only motivation but even inspiration for being as well as I can be for personal, environmental, cultural, and soulful reasons all in one.
I've been looking up a variety of resources regarding this hope, of course. Here's just a couple websites ...
Appalachian Trail Conservancy
http://www.appalachiantrail.org/?gclid=COny262zxNMCFce2wAodiR8G5g
Appalachian Mountain Club
http://www.outdoors.org/?utm_source=google-grant&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Appalachian%20Trail&gclid=CMTO582yxNMCFYa4wAodPzAB_A
Appalachian Wilderness Survival (on FB)
https://www.facebook.com/APPALACHIAN-WILDERNESS-SURVIVAL-AWS-137945372042/
Incidentally, my Horoscope for This Week reads "Apr 24, 2017 - Apr 30, 2017 - The focus on your mission continues with a New Moon signaling that you can now start on a key goal. You may have the option to grow into an opportunity that seems made just for you. Meanwhile, the move of Venus back into your travel sector could see you picking up the thread of a travel plan and reworking it so that it fits your new schedule. A tempting offer out of the blue could see you jetting off sooner than expected. " With the Moon Renewing yesterday morning, now my Coffee and Tarot Card this morning reads "The Moon, when reversed: Clarity, control and peace in troublesome times. Increased psychic abilities. Temptations, small problems and minor setbacks overcome. The dawning of a new day." It's encouraging.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Our New Metairie Home

Here are images I've photographed so far of my Daughter's and my new apartment in Metairie. I will not be sharing images of her third as she will do so herself elsewhere. I will be adding neighborhood ambiance, etc. images in the near future. https://goo.gl/photos/v3QbHqrpEQa5bcxk6

Monday, April 17, 2017

In Conclusion

We successfully cleaned the old apartment yesterday, so all the really physical labor is finally finished - Yaaayyy!!! This morning we will be running errands (e.g. OMV, third donation bundle, another return, recycling, a proper grocery stock up, etc.), and then spend nearly the entire rest of today getting caught up on grading papers for Katana's class, which will force us to hold still and rest lol We are withdrawing from the events we'd intended to attend this coming Saturday for a variety of reasons. One is simply that Katana will need to have that time to finish settling in and otherwise squeeze in more rest, being that she returns to work tomorrow. I will enjoy my first day of normal housework at our new apartment tomorrow while I await a couple deliveries. Thus my posts about moving are concluded, and my posts about this new life have just begun. ^_^

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Almost Done

We got mostly nested into our new home yesterday. Katana has invested herself into the little kitchen here and made it fabulous with new, clean, stylish, eco-wise items and smart organization. The livingroom is done save for her office corner, which will be attended to at some point Monday. I LOVE my bedroom (including my own bathroom and walk-in closet). This morning I woke to a little Owl hooting in the pine tree by my window ^_^ I have deleted the photo album of our previous apartment, and will establish a new one for our new apartment and related ambiance in the near-ish future. At the moment I am assessing what I am and am not able to do with trigger finger in both hands lol I'm able to hunt and peck on my laptop keyboard obviously. We are hoping to tidy up the old apartment today together, which really would be best all the way around. I am able to open both of my hands nearly all the way now, and the discoloration and swelling is definitely reducing, so I'll probably be good to go in a bit. My blistered and rebroken right big toe is feeling a lot better today so that's encouraging! I am so grateful for adrenaline and endorphins! Once this is all done though, I'm gonna need a one night coma.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Settling In Has Begun

So I'd been lying my ass off to myself. In the past I was able to move my Daughter and I in about 3 hours flat most of the time. It was everyone else I helped move that felt like 'moving'. Even when She and I moved into the little cottage by the cemeteries near the water together back in California it went pretty smoothly thanks to a friend helping me out. The move from California to Louisiana back in 2015 was crazy, involved 'professionals' even though we did half the work, and was simply different than anything we'd dealt with before. But this move, THIS move that Katana and I accomplished just the two of us yesterday was NOT 'the easiest move ever' like I'd been blathering like an idiot about. If anything I think I was just sugar coating it so I'd make it through that ordeal at all, and using how well prep and packing went as evidence to support that illusion no matter how obviously irrelevant lol The truth is that we both have more stuff than we've ever had before and we (especially me) are in the worst physical condition we've ever been in right now. What we got through yesterday is PROOF that we are Bad Ass Babes. We will NOT be handling another move like we've handled this one no matter how much cheaper it is to do it this way and no matter how much better shape our bodies might get in eventually. The Upside Is This: Our New Home Is Fucking Awesome!!! Aside from the kitchen area being really small (albeit very cute and still quite manageable) and the water pressure being just a bit too gentle for my spoiled tastes, we love everything about our new place! Even the Kitties adapted damn near instantly to how great our new place is. I am SO grateful to be here now and can hardly wait to finish all the settling in and stuff so I can share photos of all of it with you on here. I think we are going to be happy here for quite awhile ^_^ Cheers!

Thursday, April 13, 2017

The Church Dreams

I have recurring dreams about what I call The Church, which is an enormous building that shapeshifts and conceals itself within any given environment, while housing seemingly all spiritual and religious elements. It reveals a portion of itself at a time in a manner that lures one through the labyrinth to and through Its hidden entrance, then to whatever the seeker needs to find therein. I have suddenly had three new dreams about this place (the first of any since last year). The first two this week were simply what it took to get me to notice It was making another appearance (I can be a bit slow sometimes lol). However, in the third one, which I woke from this morning, I was finally fully responsive to It. The Church appeared Romanesque this time, which is not a surprise given my aesthetic resurgence recently. I was drawn into its Catacombs. It was so dimly lit inside that all the pale stonework seemed to have a ghostly glow about it. The corridors were lined with broadly arched niches, each presenting a sarcophagus topped with a larger - than - life mythically 'realistic' statue that seemed to be Rising From Rest. These figures collectively represented numerous Gallic, Hellenistic, and Dacian Ancestors who have been deified over time, many of whom were even reaching outward as if to embrace me.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Easy Peasy Progress

We have already made so much progress with so little effort (including 2 donation runs already too) that I will be packing up about 95% of the kitchen this morning, then do my load of laundry this evening and pack the rest of my clothes save for what I'll need to wear for the next couple of days or so. Tomorrow / Thursday I will be able to break down and/or otherwise prep all the furniture and scoot boxes out of the way amap. Friday We Move. That will be the day we drive the big stuff over in the truck we're renting and whatever small stuff we must have for that first night in our new place, including the Kitties, of course. Over the Weekend plus Monday we'll get the rest of the small stuff if needed in Katana's car and otherwise settle in. I will rest up a little and then get the old apartment tidied up just so by the end of the week no problem. Friday will be the only day that feels like 'hard work' and will have a specific time frame we must adhere to because of the truck rental, and it should go just fine. I am very grateful that this is going so smoothly and easily and can hardly wait to start settling into the new place. Settling in is the Fun Part ^_^

Monday, April 10, 2017

Here is a glimpse of my very near future ...

Here is a glimpse of my very near future ...
(Note: I photographed the original form of this image on 20 July 2015 when I was brand new here and out on my first exploration strolls.)


Sunday, April 9, 2017

That Smile

As of today I have lived here for 21 months. As you all know, at the end of this week my Daughter and I will be moving into our new apartment here, the one we'd wanted originally but wasn't available at the time. I am presently in a state of personal review, reflection, and reformation as a part of this relocation process. I produced this self-portrait on 11 November 2015 and posted it for the first time on the following day. My smile in this image is completely genuine. In that moment I was happy, hopeful, confident, excited about my new home and life here, and very much in love. I felt truly beautiful inside and out for the first time in many years. I had no idea then that within only 5 weeks most of that path I'd begun would be permanently destroyed, partly due to my own choices, of course, but otherwise almost entirely due to an avalanche of nastiness that had been building up and crashing down for years before I'd even arrived here, and had nothing to do with me no matter how often I became misassociated with it as the all too easily scapegoated noob most people had not (and still haven't) ever even met, let alone known anything accurate about, good and/or bad. What sealed me being shunned was my insistent refusal to 'date' around and play the popularity game in any form. I don't fuck people to make friends ever, and that does NOT make me the 'crazy' one in any scenario. Clearly I have no intention of suddenly starting to do so now. So what can I do now? I look at this self-portrait and recall my happiness within a context of ridiculous naivete and get nauseous at that BS cliche that ignorance is bliss because I know it isn't. Yet I also know that my happiness in that moment was valid in the sense that I did have every reason to be happy with myself and proud of my courage and creativity, despite having already gone through WAY too much for a long time before coming here to end up going through another nightmare. I think perhaps that is the point of all this contemplation this morning, the realization that I STILL have reasons, GOOD reasons, to be happy with myself, proud of myself, and courageous as myself here and now regardless of the circumstances. I have no intention of readdressing the social path I'd been on when I first arrived here. At the end of this week I'll be on a new path, a fresh start, a sort of second chance at my new life here in my new home. I think the lesson I've needed to learn from all this is that I need to hold on to a steadfast sense of my own value no matter who and/or what is around me, and to make my own way accordingly without being inhibited or daunted by the longstanding structures that continuously fail here. None of what is happening here is my fault or my responsibility. My only duty is to live truly as myself within this context, and whatever good can genuinely come of my presence here will inevitably happen because of that, and in its most natural and effective form by that means. Cheers

Friday, April 7, 2017

Moving

Spring Break begins this evening and I hope everyone gets the relaxation, fun, and/or changes they need. I am still imploding right now, but at least I have something important to look forward to. One week from this morning my Daughter, the Kitties, and I will be moving into our new apartment in a different neighborhood. Most of this coming week I will be focused on prepping and packing for the move. I will be Spring Cleaning through toward the end of the month when the last bit of prorate rent and the keys will be turned in for the apartment we're moving out of. I'm hoping this relocation process helps me achieve a similar sort of clean out and and a fresh start inside myself. Rebirth is rough but it's better than continuing feeling like I'm dying inside from heartbreak. I need to feel alive again and hope to by this Beltane.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Dreaming a Romanesque Revival of Myself

Yesterday I felt like this: 'I am wishing very much that I could be a great deal better than I am right now. My failings have cost me far too much at this point. I feel like I'm imploding and it's probably for the best.' I quietly cried myself to sleep last night and then woke up quietly crying this morning. While I was still asleep I dreamed of strolling through the narrow winding stone streets of an aging city dominated by Romanesque Revival architecture permeated with lovely creeping vines and wyldish terraced gardens. I was healthy and fit enough, smart and stylish, and very happy, engaged in my photography along with some annotated sketching and writing my personal impressions about various locations. I especially loved the cracked and crumbling areas being reclaimed by Nature, my Holy Ruins. This is the first time I've had a dream of doing this type of work that wasn't set in the Eastern Carpathians of Romania so my subconscious seems to be heading westward closer to my body's direction now. Since waking, the beautiful sound of the storm, the tornado alert on my mobile phone, and Naome's excited curious meows have helped me rejoin the land of the living. I'm still crying off and on but it's different. I can breath better now. I can feel my body again. I'm not shaking anymore. My tummy isn't in churning knots anymore. The hot 'n' cold flashes have settled into a general warm slightly sweaty glow, and I smell sweet again instead of sharp. That dream helps me see myself differently now somehow, and I feel better for it without caring whether that's rational or not. Anyway, here's the Wiki Quickie on that sort of architecture (one of my all time favorites) for those who aren't familiar with it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wi…/Romanesque_Revival_architecture Locals can visit Tulane University and admire a couple landmark estates along St. Charles Ave. for a closer look.